Guidelines
Should You Encounter a UFO
1. DO NOT PANIC! Extraterrestrials are like wolves. They can smell fear from miles away. Make a valiant attempt to keep your emotions under control, and perhaps, you will not be harmed. You will also lessen your chances of being abducted. Remain still, hold your breath, and keep quiet until the alien vehicle is a safe distance away, which only you can determine.
2. Once the spacecraft is at a distance you are comfortable with, whip out your digital camera and TAKE LOTS OF PICTURES! This is very important. These photographs will be the only evidence in your possession of the sighting. You will want to keep them handy when telling your friends about your experience. Otherwise, they will just think you were wasted again much like the last time you told them you thought you had seen a UFO. (You will especially want these if the craft lands and the extraterrestrials themselves emerge from inside.)
3. In the event, the craft hovers for any length of time over your head, DO NOT STARE DIRECTLY INTO THE LIGHT. God only knows what forms of technology are being used on those things. You could go blind! Always keep a pair of sunglasses on your person. However, you may not want to have an expensive pair in your possession, as aliens are also known for scavenging. It is likely they will take your sunglasses, house and car keys, and any loose change they may find. These make lovely souvenirs, and are quite commonly taken back to their native planets as gifts to friends and family, although they have also been used as displays in local museums.
4. If you are taken aboard the vessel and laid out for study and experimentation, DO NOT PLAY DEAD OR PRETEND TO BE SEDATED. It has been reported previously that on such occasions where the victims were not fully sedated, no anesthetic was used. Needless to say, the anonymous victims we speak of also reported feeling large amounts of pain unlike anything they had ever experienced before. Cooperate and attempt communication. Chances are you will be spared the physical suffering that others have endured, although we can’t say much about psychological suffering.
5. When the aliens have finished with you, they will place you in a temporarily unfamiliar place, naked and afraid. This is their attempt at hoping you will suppress the encounter altogether. BE SURE TO CLEAN UP AND DRESS YOURSELF BEFORE CONTACTING THE PRESS. Everyone enjoys seeing a good UFO sighting/abduction story aired on the local news. However, if you really wish to have your 15 minutes of fame (or, in some cases, shame) you will want to at least appear to be sane. Believe me, it adds to your credibility.
Close encounters do not have to be entirely unpleasant. Follow the guidelines listed above, and you will be surprised at how many things you may enjoy from your experience with other-worldly life forms. You may even find yourself trying to experience it again. I speak from personal experience when I say it can be addictive.
