If you suddenly see a UFO you need to take immediate action. Get a bucket and put it on your head and start walking like Governor Schwarzenegger and saying “Ek Tu Vo Tu Drako!” Next observe the UFO and take notes on what it looks like and how fast and where it is moving. If it is not moving and a little green man gets out and he has one of those Rabbi caps-RUN! Do not stop at go, do not collect $100 and just keep running. If the little green man has any kind of cutting implement in his handRUN FASTER! You don’t need a reason just believe me that you must feel a need for speed.
If none of these things happen and a little blue man gets out of the UFO and says, “Take me to your leader.” You should try to get a picture of the Easter Island Statues and hold it up for them to see. A caption you may want to quickly jot onto the Easter Island Photo to avoid any revenge later might read, “Beware of your bill fold.” Next break into the song, “Working on the Chain Gang, the Chain Gang” Warning our leader may be hazardous to your health here in the US, should be added to the photo.
If you are unsuccessful at getting a friendly response from the little blue or green men grab a passing blonde and pour honey on her, then offer her as a sacrifice. Hell you want to survive don’t you? If the little blue man throws up get another female of the brunette vintage as they may be smarter than we think. You will have to try other plans if this doesn’t break the ice.
If your still alive at this point you are a very lucky person. This means it is probably time to try some bold sweeping moves as they are probably as scared of you as you are of them. If you only had that old collection of Spike Jones Music with you it may do the job. It worked for Independence Day. Offer your tour tickets to the US Congress while it is in session. This could solve two problems as it may start a seven year war between incompetents and the world would be a better place.
If all of these attempts to gain favor fail and they are still looking at you like you are lunch drag out that old picture of President George W. Bush, point an accusatory finger at it and stomp your feet. If the little colored men collapse and stop breathing like Darth Vader you have probably done them in with the political nonsense of the earth and won the war of the worlds. They will probably leave, post haste and never again darken our sky.
