Real assertiveness is: EXPRESSING what you want or believe so that it is CLEARLY understood by others. ACHIEVING what you want from someone, in a LEGITIMATE WAY. NOT BEING PERSUADED to do something you do not want to do. DOING what YOU WANT to do in a legitimate way in spite of objections from others or obstacles.
Assertiveness becomes aggressiveness when it is;
1. Controlling and Manipulating. When we do not give others the space or independence to grow, learn, develop and express their own opinion or do things in a different way from us. It must be our way or it is of little value.
I am not saying that when we have more experience or knowledge about something we just over look when someone less experienced is making a mess of it. But ask the question, “Can I convince them in their mind that there is a better way of doing it with out resorting to these other tactics?”
2. RAISING THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE in normal conversation so that it sounds like you are always giving a sermon! Or using a patronizing tone of voice.
3. PUTTING THEM OR OTHERS DOWN. Making them feel that they have nothing of value to offer. That their looks, or qualifications, or job, or what ever is inferior (not different inferior) to yours. That they know nothing and they must do it EXACTLY as you say or it is utterly useless.
4. INSISTING THAT OTHERS DO SOMETHING OR BEHAVE IN A WAY THAT YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF OR WILLING TO. Always excusing yourself with something: “I’ve got too much work”, “It’s not my job, and it’s yours”. “You’ve got more time than me”. “You should do this for me because I am your boss, or I’ve been here longer, or whatever.”
5. INSISTING PROFUSELY THAT YOU ARE RIGHT even when no one has asked you for your opinion. If you are really right in time it will be SEEN.
6. CREATING IN OTHERS DEPENDENCE ON YOU. Interrogating them for almost everything they do. Making them believe that without you they can do nothing.
Some one who is effectively assertive: Smiles and looks their listener in the eye. They keep the tone of their voice as they would in normal conversation. They have thought out what they are going to say before they say it and they express it clearly, that means they don’t think aloud, chopping and changing ideas as they speak. They may have to repeat themselves a few times to get the message across if their listener is trying to manipulate them. That is called the scratched record technique: “No, I am not going to do that. I don’t want to”. “I have told you, I am not going to do it.” “I’m sorry you feel like that but I am not going to do it. I don’t want to”.
In conversation they lean towards their listener and show by nodding or shaking their head, interjections and other gestures that they are listening to the other person’s point of view. They offer their name and find out their listeners’ names and introduce their names into the conversation. They come to a verbal agreement or contract with their listener by repeating to them what they both said they would do and asking for a verbal confirmation. “So as we’ve said, you will contact the electrician and I will contact the builder and on Friday we will talk again to see how it went alright? They do not just send others to do things or tell others what they should be doing they get involved and show by example.
