FORGING AHEAD
The central issue in gaining control of your life after being victimized is really knowing yourself. What are your standards, your ideals and your way of life? What can you do without? What must you have?
There is a great deal of courage necessary in overcoming the victim status. I know from experience. Since the people who were victimizing me claimed that I was “violent” and “out of control”, for a long time, I felt I had to be very mousy and acquiescent with everyone. Lest I be accused of a crime, because I had been via perjury. It was humiliating, demeaning and damaging to my self esteem. It was meant to be. The experience did not make me a better person. It wasn’t meant to make me a better person. It was meant to destroy me.
Initially, I had no idea that the conspiracy against me had really begun when I was a child.
Now, I have no problem being assertive. There are those who don’t like me for it and I must contend with the politics of that. Which I do, most usually in a logical, calm manner.
For me, getting over the intense anger and depression was monumental. Even now, I have times where I really have to step back and take a deep breath. But never will I trust any of the people involved again. I see them as dangerous. Point blank, what happened to me was a crime and it went on for many years. It took me a long time to realize what was going on because I kept thinking it was my fault.
It just kept cycling and the only way I knew to break the cycle was to refuse to play the game. I spoke out by writing about some of the things that had gone on. I quit defending women and I began to see the insidiously grotesque way that I was being used. How could I be so stupid? I kicked myself for it for the longest time. I’ve had to deal with a lot of anger towards my own gender. I have just known too much cowardice and quite frankly, I used to be one myself in a way. I know all about the divide and conquer game. I also know that I’m responsible for me, not the entire female species.
What that means is that I stand on my own. My word has to mean something. I can’t always live up to the standards that I set for myself, but I try very hard and I’m not trying to prove myself to anyone. Everything I do has purpose and its purpose is for myself and my children. That’s it. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. It simply is not an issue for me. I don’t want to be involved in any women’s groups and I don’t see myself as “one of them”. I am a seperate entity, a human being with a mind of my own. The right to think this way is garaunteed me in the constitution and I can produce several amendments.
One of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life was to live in celibacy. It eliminates a high percentage possibility of re-victimization. It is a personal boundary, a fence to keep out potential problems. Of course, I don’t think that all men are bad, I just don’t have the ambition to go through all the emotional turmoil of gaining a man.
Once you fully realize that there is no such thing as “falling through the cracks”, then you are on your way. Just be super glad that you woke up when you did and never forget that sometimes, forgiveness means a forever ending to relationships. Do not set yourself up for it a second time. Or a third time…
