Recession. Unemployment. Foreclosure. In the midst of the largest economic upheaval since the Great Depression, these three words are batted around on a daily basis. Not only is the current crisis global, it’s also deeply personal. In our attempts to hold onto what we know, we often become stuck in the past, unable to move forward and out of the crisis.
As the economy continues its downward spiral, families across the nation are losing jobs and homes at a terrifying rate. Surprisingly, what many families struggle with the most, however, is the loss of a certain lifestyle.
“I like my home,” said Cindy. “I like my life. I’m comfortable. I’m proud of my neighborhood. We worked hard to get here.” Cindy’s words are like so many others I hear as I work with clients to help them over the rough patches. Invariably, the concluding statement is something like, “It isn’t supposed to be like this. It just isn’t fair!”
Cindy’s right. It isn’t fair. After years of hard work and planning, responsible decision-making, and frugal budgeting, we expect to be able to relax and enjoy the the life we feel we’ve earned. To have it wiped away is profoundly unfair, and it’s okay to realize that, and to grieve the loss.
But then we have to move on. Remaining stuck in the anger of “what should have been” and “what was supposed to be” dooms us to a bleak future filled with sadness and despair. When we hold onto our anger, we become bitter and resentful. When we become bitter and resentful, we’re no longer able to experience joy.
The key to healing lies in letting go of the past. In order to move forward, we have to stop viewing life as a linear progression, and understand that life is instead a series of adventures.
We’re socialized to live life in stages. We move through childhood and then begin to focus on independence. We move up the career ladder. We date, choose a mate, and then have children. We up-size to a bigger home, and buy a bigger car. And now, we think, we’ve made it. We’ve moved forward and up, always advancing.
The reality, however, is that this forward progression is a decidedly human invention. Humans aren’t born with an instruction manual, so being controlling animals, we create our own. We like to know where we’re going. We need a final destination for which to strive. We’re terrified at the thought of not being able to control our own futures. So we create a picture of how it’s “supposed” to look.
And when it doesn’t turn out according to plan, we’re often devastated. We feel as if we’ve failed. We didn’t “make it” the way we’ve been taught we should. Now what?
Once we realize that our experiences in life aren’t necessarily linear, that there is no way it’s “supposed” to be, that we’re constantly given opportunities to try new directions and experience new things, life takes on a whole new meaning.
When we view life as a series of adventures, we’re better able to let go of the past. We’re able to recognize the joy of what we had for what it was. We treasure the experience we were given, we accept that it wasn’t meant to be forever, and we understand that if we let go, we’ll be able to experience other wonderful things around the corner.
As Cindy now understands, “I had to let go of the ideas about how my life was supposed to be, because as long as I stayed stuck there, it felt as if I had failed. Once I stopped thinking of it that way, I was able to focus on what I now want my life to be. I even feel excited about the possibilities.”
When we hold onto the past, we become stuck. Only by letting go can we move forward.
