2008 Guide To Hurricane Planning
The following is an out of towner’s guide to hurricane planning. It has been prepared for every one who does not live in the Gulf coast area or is new to the area. Every effort has been made to make a very chaotic and stressful time easier to deal with.
1. When you hear that a tropical depression has formed begin monitoring the local news daily. You will receive lots of hype and useless information very early on.
2. When a tropical storm has formed create a list of hurricane supplies that you might need. (This will be addressed later.) The recommendation is for 2 week of supplies but it really does not matter because you will not be able to get them anyway.
3. When a Hurricane has formed, monitor news several times a day for more useless information and guess work.
4. Once the storm is in the Gulf of Mexico go to a local Lowe’s or Home Depot or Wal-Mart to try to get your hurricane supplies. You will find very little and will wait in line for hours to get it.
5. In the event of a major hurricane (a category 3 or higher) evacuation orders will be issued for just about every one. This means that if you want to leave you will have to wait for hours in traffic to get out of town. Once you are out you will have to travel hundreds of miles to get a room in a motel to stay in.
6. If you do decide to stay, stay tuned to local news for more stupid & useless information. Once the hurricane is about a day or less out the local news stations will go to “wall to wall” coverage. Nothing else will be on local stations so hope you have cable or satellite if you want to watch anything else.
7. If the structure you decide to “ride out” the storm be comes seriously damaged, you can call the local authorities for assistance. If they can get to you be assured that the tree you have used as a lifeline will certainly collapse and you both will need to be rescued with the whole thing being caught on armature home video.
8. As the hurricane comes ashore, if you decide to watch the local news you will see national and local reporters being blown and tossed about like rag dolls. This can be entertaining but most of it is useless coverage designed to sensationalize the storm.
9. After the storm has passed, you will continue to see wall to wall coverage of the “aftermath” of the storm for up to 3 days on the local news. People will be interviewed that are stranding in any kind of line. For some reason networks seem to think this is hard hitting news.
10. During the aftermath of the storm, remember that traffic lights will be out in a lot of areas. This means intersections become “stop if you want to” 4-way stops. Meaning that if you come to one of these intersections, you take a chance if you think anyone is going to willingly yield right of way. Also beware of roadside venders selling generators and other necessities. The prices will be inflated and they may be stolen, broke, or used being passed off as new. Report any such activity to local authorities so they can start an investigation that will go nowhere and you will end up feeling like a moron for falling into this trap.
The following is a guide for locals.
1. When you first here about a storm begin to stock up on beer because the supply will get to be scarce.
2. When the storm becomes a hurricane, begin to scare the tourist and inexperienced by continuing to say this one is going to be bad, very bad while stocking up on more beer.
3. When a storm gets in gulf stock up on hurricane supplies. (To be discussed later.)
4. As the storm comes on shore ignore the warnings of the authorities and venture outside and around town. This will be fun because you will encounter very little traffic and if you get stopped by local law enforcement for possible DWI, you have the excuse that the wind was blowing your vehicle around and you are just getting emergency supplies. (note: Emergency supplies = more beer)
5. After the storm, line up at gas pumps that are not working hoping that they will be turned on soon. This creates a false sense of hope in others and creates gas lines miles long.
Store up on enough beer and wait for things to get back to normal.
Hurricane supply list for out of towners
It is suggested that you have a 2 week supply of the following
Can goods
water (1 gallon per day per person for personal use)
gas
batteries
flashlights
Battery operated weather radio or T.V.
Medication
Baby supplies
Important papers & photos
Plywood to cover windows.
First-aid kit
Manual can opener
Cash
Candles
Hurricane supplies for locals
Beer
Chain saw (to make extra cash after the storm)
Duck tape for windows. (Easier than boarding up the windows while under the effects of Beer.)
Shotgun for anyone who tries to get you to evacuate and to protect beer supply
4X4 Truck to ride around & view damage in.
Saffir-Simpson Scale for out of towners
Category 1: 74-95 mph sustained winds (somewhat inconvenient)
Category 2: 96-110 mph sustained winds (will scare you if you ride it out)
Category 3: 111-130 mph sustained winds (Likely to do damage to your house)
Category 4: 131-155 mph sustained winds (Congrats… You get a new home)
Category 5: >155 mph sustained winds (Free land clearing)
Saffir-Simpson Scale for locals
Category 1: 74-95 mph sustained winds (1-3 cases of beer)
Category 2: 96-110 mph sustained winds (4-6 cases of beer)
Category 3: 111-130 mph sustained winds (7-9 cases of beer)
Category 4: 131-155 mph sustained winds (10-12 cases of beer)
Category 5: >155 mph sustained winds (all the beer you can get)
