Letting go of someone you adore is no picnic, however, it can be absolutely neccesary. The human heart and the human brain are complicated and intensely complex. For this reason and this reason alone, we all reach a cross roads at some inevitable distance in the future where one simply must walk away. Sometimes you have to walk away because you’ve tried everything in your power to hold on. Other times, one must walk away to find themselves or allow the other to find their path. There’s never an easy solution for any of us because we remain that complex in nature. This explains why so many relationships fail: people simply never know when to let go and their ultimate selfishness requires them to hold on. For some people, they can find a way to hold on for years or even eternity if only to maintain that single shred of security. This path leads to disatisfaction with life and, more importantly, with yourself. There will always be someone out there who can be that magical counterpart you are looking for. Holding on to an ideal, to a feeling of comfort, or to the past is not love. If you truly love someone and know they are better off without you, you must leave. If you know that you are better off with that person, you must leave. At the end of the day, the love you have for yourself must always outweigh.
I loved someone once, what feels like an eternity ago. Nearly two years of back and forth, push and pull, agony and utter elation. He represented everything I wanted in another. He was intelligent, secular, clever, comical, and entirely beautiful. I met him when he had another – a girlfriend of almost three years. He was unhappy with her and I happened to serve as this breath of fresh air that he simply could not resist. I had to have him. We began.
The ex girlfriend and I were so different in almost every way. She wanted to marry him and have his children, at twenty one I could only see my professional endeavors on the horizon. She was older then him by six years and I was younger then him by precisely that amount. She sublimated to his needs, did everything in her power to keep him, and centered her world around him. I demanded a partnership where we both worked together as comrads in love, I held steadfast to my independence, and expected him to likewise stand on his own. The list goes on and on. Her insecurity was my confidence, her bizarre public embarassments were never considere by a person with my pride, her lack of aspirations in life were my unwithering aims toward success. In essence, we were polar opposites.
She didn’t want to let go of him. She simply couldn’t because she was that selfish. She knew their relationship was doomed and she had already accepted his infidelities because she could not bear to be alone again at her age. She became obsessed with our involvement and came after myself, my friends, and even my family on a determined quest for answers. I referred her to him because I refused to do his dirty work for him. My sister feared for my life because this ex was mentally unhinged. He finally left her and cut off all ties and we continuted on our path together.
Unfortunately, his ex was only the first of several obstacles. My love lived in the Middle East for the first six months of our involvement. The situation was ideal for an self reliant soul like myself: he lived overseas for roughly two to three months and then he came home for a month. We emailed several times a week in the vain attempt to become acquainted with one another despite the surrounding drama and overall complicated start to our story. He called a few times and we always looked forward to our future reunion. On his third visit home, he stayed. He missed his family and he resumed his former job in our sweet little metropolis. Everything began to actually happen.
He attended my graduation and met my family. I delay any meetings between loved ones and family members until I know they are someone I can truly be with. He didn’t know then that I loved him because I could never say the words. I was still too afraid. He didn’t understand that the mere act of having him meet my mother and father meant that I loved him. In any event, we reached the third and, ultimately, fatal obstacle of our journey together: his fears. The man was so intimidated by me because I represented everything he was and was not. He began to resent me because I knew who I was and I lived my life in the way I wanted; he was not so lucky. He never knew himself and he was too afraid of change to even try to find out who he was as a person.
So, he did what any insecure person would do – he sought the security of someone who made him feel good about himself. The ex. I still can never be too sure how often it happened. He swore it only happened twice. I will never know. I left him for roughly two months but he refused to disappear. He called me and came clean about everything and all his issues. We stayed in touch over the next three months and then he pitched me the idea of giving it another shot. He said he wanted to be in a “relationship” with me, he was ready and he wanted me to be a part of his life. I couldn’t say no; I was in love and I wanted to believe he could allow himself to love me.
He bought his own place and the times were far better. He opened up more and allowed me in his world. We began to spend time together. Then he lost his job, the only identity he’d eve known, and everything fell apart. He touched on a downward spiral and pushed me away. He began to hate me and nothing I could do was ever right. After being hurt so badly the first time around, I felt exhausted and unable to even care anymore. My love refused to fade and it started to become steel. He began to see a therapist and acknowledged his issues but nothing could repair what had already been dismantled by nearly two years of lies, disappointment, and emotional devastation.
I knew he wasn’t ready; he knew he wasn’t ready. We both tried anyway, determined to be with the other to the point of toxicity. I knew I had to let him go. My love would never be enough for us both because the man simply did not love himself or his life.
There is only one way to let go of someone you truly love: leave. Leave and do not look back. Continue your path and allow them to continue theirs. Along that path, take comfort in the certainty that if this is the person you are truly meant to be with, your paths will cross again.
