There are just as many reasons to do this and as reasons not to. Abuse (whether physical, sexual or emotional) is, of course, a deal breaker. No one should stay in an abusive relationship. But there are times when you come to realize that, as Tina Turner used to say, ‘sometimes love just isn’t enough’. When a relationship is over, we know it, even if there is a big part of us that doesn’t want to admit it. So here are some things I recommend and some things I definitely DON’T recommend.
1. Give yourself time to grieve. This relationship was a living, breathing experience but it has died and needs to be mourned and grieved.
2. Take time to cry. This is better done in private, of course. I’m sure your boss won’t be particularly happy watching you cry into the company files. If you need to cry for an hour or a day or a weekend, do it until the tears stop naturally. They will, eventually stop.
3. Listen to all the sappy, romantic songs you can find even the ones you know will definitely make you cry.
4. Make two lists. One with all the positive things you remember about your ex and one with all the negative things about your ex. Initially, if the breakup was not your decision, the positive list will be much longer than the negative list. That’s understandable. But no relationship is 100% positive 100% of the time. Be sure to include the breakup itself on the negative side. Believe it or not, there will come a time when the breakup with naturally move itself over to the positive side
5. Collect all the mementos of your time together and put them in a box. This will include clothes, photos, gifts, movie/concert tickets, cards, whatever. Seal the box and give it to the one person you trust more than anyone else. Have them promise not to give it back to you for at least a year. If there is no one who will do this for you then put it in storage. It is now part of your history. Date the box. One day, maybe many, many years from now, you will be able to open it up and smile as you remember the life that once was.
6. Get all the jewelry you were ever given and pretend it belonged to someone else. Look at it objectively. Do you like it on its own or do you like it because your ex gave it to you? If looking at it will always remind you of him/her, get rid of it; go to the nearest reputable jeweler and have the items changed. Have the gold/silver melted down and turned into something new. Take the stones (diamonds, pearls, etc) and have them reset into a new and completely different piece as a gift to you, from you.
7. Take a hot shower, and while you are doing it allow the water to wash away the feelings of being hurt, betrayed, sucker punched, blind-sided, and whatever other feelings you are feeling. This is also a perfect place to do all that crying you are going to do.
8. Eat, sleep, brush your hair, brush your teeth, change your clothes, put make-up on and take a walk around the block. Do all these things even though they will be the very LAST things you will want to do. Generally, take care of your physical appearance. If you look better on the outside, you will eventually start to feel better on the inside.
Things NOT to do.
1. Don’t try to tell yourself or anyone else that you’re fine and don’t care. Your friends and family will know you are lying anyway and your recovery from the breakup will take longer the longer you stay in the land of Denial.
2. Don’t get drunk and call. Don’t call at all. I can tell you from personal, first hand experience, this never, ever works. It just makes you look pathetic in the eyes of your ex and reinforces the reason he broke up with you in the first place.
3. Don’t ask your friends to hate your ex as much as you do. This will only force them to take sides and they will begin avoiding you. Right now you need their support, not necessarily their allegiance.
4. Don’t drive or walk passed your exes home or job. There is a thin line between wanting to see him/her and stalking. There are laws against stalking and you don’t want to be arrested for stalking and harassment.
5. Don’t become vindictive or petty. Keying his car or slashing his tires will not get him back. You are better than that. And if you keep your self respect in tact, you are more likely to be seen as someone worthy of respect.
6. And finally hold your head up and acknowledge the fact that the only thing worse than one or two years in a bad relationship is one or two years and a day.
Everyone, eventually, becomes someone’s ex. So, acknowledge the fact that you are on the road to recovery and you now know what you will or won’t do the next time you fall in love. And you will love again. I promise you that.
