Relationship experts and counselors agree that effective communication skills are a vital part of any relationship. According to world-renowned educator and therapist Harville Hendrix, “good communication skills may not solve problems or resolve issues, but no problem can be solved, or issue resolved, without it.” Listening is an essential part of communicating and, by practicing specific exercises, your listening skills can improve and make a difference in almost any situation.
Listen Actively
Good listening is not passive; it’s active. Exercise your active listening skills by paraphrasing what the other person has said. Clarify that what you heard is what she meant by saying things like, “If I’m understanding you correctly, you mean that….” This trains you to focus on what the other person is saying rather than jumping to conclusions. If you didn’t get it right the first time, ask for a correction and then say things like, “Oh, I see. I think you meant….” Hendrix calls this process “mirroring,” and he stresses that the process should be repeated “until your partner affirms that you have clearly understood the message he or she sent.”
Pay Close Attention
In an exercise on paying close attention, think about your habitual reactions when someone is talking. During a conversation, notice whether you start planning what you’ll say before he is finished. Maybe you have a similar story of your own to share, or you want to offer advice. Remind yourself to simply listen. Observe the speaker’s tone of voice and body language–those are just as important as his words. Form a picture in your mind of what he is talking about and try to understand what emotions he may be feeling. Gregorio Billikopf Encina, an expert in mediation at the University of California, notes that “when a person proceeds to give a suggestion before understanding the situation, individuals will frequently pretend to go along with the proposal simply to get rid of the problem solver.”
Validate
Exercise your ability to understand. Instead of assuming the other person wants advice or an opinion, simply let her know that what she said makes sense. Tell her that you can see why she feels that way or why he made the choices she did. Hendrix calls this “validation” and says it’s important because it helps the other person feel reassured that you truly have paid attention and can see what it’s like to be in her shoes. Validation does not mean you agree with the person, necessarily, but it does mean you accept the other person’s reality. This process is important in helping the other person feel understood and encourages the person to talk freely.
Consider Your Response
Exercise your flexibility. As a discussion winds down, ask what the other person needs, if anything. Ask him if she’d like advice, or maybe he’s just venting. Offer to tell a story about how you handled a similar situation, or maybe he’d like your help in brainstorming for ideas. What you want to hear if the situation were reversed isn’t always what others want or need. Sometimes people just want to feel understood and, if you haven’t listened well, you might not be able to do that.
About this Author
Based in Philadelphia, Leah McClellan started writing about health and fitness in 1995. An avid inline skater, she has contributed to skating newsletters and magazines around the United States and has written numerous articles for About.com’s Men’s Health. She holds a Master of Arts in English from Kutztown University.
