“Why dwell on it? It’s in the past!” We often hear this from well-meaning people who want us to stop bothering them with our painful memories and let a smile be our umbrella. Unfortunately, denial just drives the pain deeper. It will inevitably come out, either directly (although we may have forgotten why we are in pain), or indirectly as illness, distorted perceptions and relationships, and compulsive behavior.
Processing our painful emotions is a mental health responsibility. The sooner, the better. This means acknowledging and owning them, expressing them, and finally, letting them go and moving on. Sometimes we will have to take action, like apologizing to someone we hurt, making restitution, confronting someone who hurt us, or insisting on having our position acknowledged and respected. This can be excruciatingly hard work, especially if the hurt is very old and nobody seems to care about it except you. The discomfort is worth the ultimate reward, when a distressing event remains part of your history, but no longer has the power to manipulate your emotions. Positive feelings from the past will have more room to play.
To purge the nasties from the past, you must make room in your life for a safe place. This may involve a trusted friend or therapist: someone who is willing to accept you and your process, and challenge you to keep working. Journaling is an excellent way of getting some things out in the open. Writing letters to certain people can also be helpful, as long as you keep them at least a week before you decided whether or not to send them. Any kind of physical exercise helps dissipate the tension generated by anger, fear, and other emotions. Bashing a tennis ball is much better than bashing a person. Creative activities such as singing, acting, writing poetry and stories, painting, or crafts can all help express what is going on inside. Looking objectively at something we have created can give us huge insights.
Crying, screaming, and hitting pillows may occur, but they are not the goal of all this. The goal is to accept ourselves, others, and life as it is, not as we wont it to be, and move on to constructive action. People who have suffered greatly often find healing by dedicating themselves to preventing, mitigating, and helping to heal that same suffering in others. They are able to offer compassion and understanding, because they know what it feels like. In time, those nasty experiences and emotions from the past can become gifts to share with others.
