Many people find it hard to be confident because they do not understand the root of confidence and what makes it up. Confidence has three essential elements, and if any one of them is missing, our self-esteem and feeling of assurance begin a freefall. Often in their daily routines, people are not sure what they are doing. They don a temporary false cloak of ‘confidence’ for that situation and then, at the slightest buffer, they are naked again, all their nervousness and vulnerability exposed to the elements. This not only weakens their resolve, but makes them unable to see setbacks as opportunities to improve their situation and move on to greater conquests. They are more likely to regard any disappointment as a personal failure which merely serves to seal their own shaky view of themselves.
Confidence is one of those things we know greatly influence the extent of our happiness and success, but which seldom seems to come our way, no matter how hard we seek it, especially in interacting with others. Once cannot see confidence or touch it, but without this essential life ingredient, we can feel very miserable and isolated. Without it we think we’re failures life’s rejects. Even more galling, everyone else seems to have this precious self-assurance, while we are left to wonder where, and how, we missed out.
For too many of us, confidence is a scarce commodity. It comes and goes in fleeting gusts and, just when we think we have it covered, it flutters away mockingly, deserting us at our most needy moments. We are left feeling either helpless, nervous, vulnerable, impotent, angry or disgusted with ourselves in a state of depression brought on by what we think we should have done but didn’t. Confidence dictates the quality, timing and effectiveness of our actions. It also affects the tone of our voice, what we actually say and the impression we ultimately give.
Real confidence cannot be faked. It affects us from the time we are very young and has to be nurtured and maintained by others around us. False assurance is what we give to ourselves when we are unable to get any reinforcement or positive feedback from the people who matter. It bolsters our ego and self-esteem temporarily but it can be easily knocked away at the slightest negative reaction, leaving us feeling bare and weak.
Real confidence comes through recognition and encouragement of our actions by ourselves and our peers in a kind of 50/50 split. The acknowledgment and reinforcement of our peers is an important tonic to our identity and self-esteem. If we know we are good at something because of our self-belief and the way we are regarded and reinforced by others, it will take a great deal to change that opinion. If our self-perception is never confirmed by others, especially the ones who matter who matter, we will be always insecure, never sure of ourselves. That is why it can be difficult to get over a relationship when it breaks. It doesn’t matter how many other people fancy us at that moment. All that matters to us then is the one we have parted from and, unless they are responding positively, we simply feel like crap!
Deviance and Anger
A child who is told repeatedly he is good for nothing turns into a man who believes he is worthless, useless and has no talent. He may try harder to carve his own future in a competitive arena by utilising any encouragement given to him in later life. But he is likely to be either apathetic, lacking the necessary confidence to make the right decisions for a successful existence or just happy to settle for what he can get.
Worse still, he could decide that, if he is already worthless, he cannot change, so he might as well be deviant or ‘bad’, an attitude which does not depend on the approval of others and which actively creates conflicting situations he can easily control. If he chooses this way, he will carry that anger against others with him and his new false assurance will encourage negative actions which will be channeled towards his environment and community, or even himself. It is not so difficult to see the important role confidence has in our growth and development.
But what exactly is this confidence? Where does it come from and does it really exist?
Confidence is hard to quantify, and equally hard to describe in detail, but it is real enough. It is determined by three basic elements: our level of achievement, our sense of belonging and our level of self-esteem. These aspects, which form a highly personal triangle, are closely interwoven and each one affects the other two. Most important, our achievement and sense of belonging absolutely control the level of our esteem. Without both aspects being fulfilled we will always believe there is something missing from our lives and suffer a sense of inadequacy.
