One may be forgiven for wondering why all the other planets have cool Ancient Roman mythological names and we don’t. Could it be that in the beginning, God was so mentally exhausted from creating the heavens – check out all the moons around Saturn, for instance – that by the time he got to the Earth, all he could come up with was what it was made of, with the even less imaginative “moon” for it’s moon, like it wasn’t even worthy of “Earth, Jr,” “Dirt” or “Soil?”
Instead of just Earth, what about the other elements – Wind, Fire and Water? At least they move – have energy – but what does Earth do? It just sits there, holding up gravestones. How about Earth, Wind and Fire, together? KC and the Sunshine Band? The Commodores? A bottomless cornucopia.
Clearly, the Earth is less than 2700 years old, since God would have been completely unable to come up with Ancient Roman gods/goddesses for names before the Romans themselves invented the worship of them, putting paid to the crackpot theories of modern creationists and that Richard Dawkins fellow. So what were the Romans doing before the Earth was invented both in body and nomenclature? Floating around in space probably, trying to moonwalk into Carthaginians who, incidentally, seem to have had little or no say in the naming of any planet, let alone this one, despite their significant contribution, by being slaughtered in droves, to the composition of the very material, with their corpses, of which Earth is composed.
I assert that Carthage should be put to the vote for our new name. Other names on the bill (to keep it fair) – Hannibal, Phoenicia and Dido, as well as Natasha Bedingfield and Posh Spice, all equally significant cultural entities at the time and without whom, Rome would’ve had no one to exercise their army on.
Since Earth was the only planet God put life on, how about naming it Genesis? Or the Archangel Peter Gabriel? Jews, Christians and Muslims all believe in this angel – what better way to create peace on earth than uniting us all under the title of the bloke who paved the way for Phil Collins?
I rest my case.
