Useless? The appendix?! Surely you jest.
The appendix is widely renowned as the most volatile and unpredictable of the “organs” (a technical term used by doctors meaning “squishy thing inside you which may go off at any moment. Duck!”). This aura of dangerously erratic menace is a powerful tool for confronting some of life’s most threatening situations.
Who hasn’t experienced the awkwardness of a “team-building weekend” in some godforsaken howling wilderness peopled by bears, poison ivy and yokels who can barely cobble together a decent skinny no-foam extra hot latte? Quality time spent with Cheryl from accounting and the bottle of cheap vermouth she managed to sneak in past the VP of Human Resources, as she regales you with zany tall tales of adventures in bookkeeping. Learning just exactly why Andre from Shipping smells that way. Finding out precisely how far you can be pushed before murder-suicide becomes the only reasonable and sane solution.
Here is where a well timed appendix blowout can really come to the rescue. When the wilderness funfest is a week away, start complaining of mysterious, sharp abdominal pains. Stock up on ketchup and ipecac, and check if the local supermarket has any specials on plastic baggies. It can be helpful, depending on just how wily your coworkers may be, to casually plant the classic “7 Signs of Imminent Appendix Incident” brochure where it can be encountered in day to day activity.
Timing, of course, is critical in any successful appendix intervention. Studies have shown that the ideal time to experience a Transitory Organ Compression/Decompression Event is not, as most would naturally assume, in early morning, as people are still fairly rested and the skinny no-foam extra hot lattes are keeping them alert to subterfuge. No, the highest success rate with workplace appendix explosion is encountered 35-45 minutes after the lunch period, when the intellectual capacity of most coworkers is heavily committed to digestion, leaving them more easily confused and emotionally vulnerable. Bolt down a half-teaspoon of ipecac (make sure you have lunch somewhere inexpensive, but preferably colorful), stagger into the lunch room warbling out a pain wracked “Ack, my appendix,” and clap your hand as theatrically as possible to your side, bursting the strategically placed ketchup-in-baggy. If your timing is good, you should also find yourself vomiting up the 3.99 special right about now. The ipecac is an important detail: thirty-seven percent of appendicitis victims do, in fact, vomit from the pain of the incident, and as part of a carefully conceived deception plan, a spreading pool of 3.99 special can help form a protective moat to keep close scrutiny at bay.
Shoulder past your envious coworkers and hop in the car to “head to emergency.” Cheryl can be relied upon to spread the gory details of your team-building escape mechanism to the gossip hounds. Head home, enjoy a beer, and get ready for the admiration and recognition sure to come when those coworkers who survive the weekend return to let you know just how much you missed.
