Imagine –
Someone, somewhere triggers an emotion inside of you. It may be something they said or did, but you feel it welling up inside, churning itself in the pit of your stomach, churning into a ball of fire that rises, on a collision course with your thoughts. Your mind goes into overdrive. You become wretched, almost blind. Nothing makes sense. You are in an emotional turmoil. You suddenly become a danger to others, to yourself as you try to regain composure of some sort, but you can’t control this emotion effectively. As it worsens and grows, you feel the need to self-preserve. You want to strike back. You want to hurt, even murder someone.
And the anger stays and won’t let up. It stays with you like an unwelcome guest for months. You fall out with everyone even remotely close to you – your friends, your family, your loved ones. You want to swear at them, hang-up the phone on them. You cuss at everything. Your temper is frayed. You hate when they disagree with you. You hate them. You hate the world, but most of all you hate yourself for being like this. Then suddenly just as the anger began, you become afraid. So afraid that you hide yourself away. Away from others. Away from the world in case you become so out of control that you may end up killing them for looking at you skew. You don’t go out. Never leave the house – your safety zone.
Then after a while the anger starts to dissipate, lessen and gradually disappear until you suddenly feel fine. You are free. You go out. Leave the house. You are left wondering what that was all about, and hope that it is never triggered off to that degree again.
Then …
One day, somewhere, someone incites you. The anger is back. It is raging within you like a wild fire and you feel helpless once again as you battle to fight it, control it effectively, but it consumes you from the inside out. Nothing you do helps. This anger is wretched, without control, all consuming, torturous and you go through that vicious cycle again.
It’s the kind of anger you would never wish on anyone else, especially your worst enemy, lest you find yourself directly in their firing line. When you experience this kind of anger, you understand how someone could murder in the heat of the moment, not pre-meditated; not pre-planned.
I have experienced this twice over a period of nine months. I hope I never ever experience it to that degree again, because who knows what will happen next time around. There is nothing as blinding as seething fury!
