“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”-Shakespeare
Few would doubt the great poet and playwright was on to something there. The great questions concerning the nature and the origins of the universe(s) as well as the riddle of why existence prevails over non-existence pose questions that have fascinated, perplexed, frightened, and enthralled many of us throughout history. Science and religion have debated, fought, and reached for common ground with their various theories and dogmas. And of course within this search for origins, destinations, and meaning, the question of whether we are alone as sentient beings in this vast cosmos takes its place high on our list of speculations
It is a shame, then, that clowns like Sergeant Clifford Stone trivialize the process with their wacko conspiracy theories concerning hoards of aliens cavorting and scheming with our government for various sinister, bizarre, and often laughable reasons. And of course he spends much of his rants rehashing the decades old phenomenon of people claiming they have been abducted and experiment upon by these aliens.
Stone and his 57 varieties of aliens hardly deserve a serious argument so let’s give him the old top-ten treatment here and be done with him.
10. Why 57 varieties of aliens? Does Stone not remember the old Heinz 57 Varieties commercials that were plastered all over television and magazines for decades? Couldn’t he have at least been more originalsay 56 or 58?
9. Stone seems to think-as do like-minded conspiracy buffs-that their arguments are somehow enhanced by their inability or unwillingness to identify their so-called sources.
8. No, Mr. Stone, it’s generally not a good idea to try to flesh out your conspiracies with a cast of thousands. We all know we can’t keep a secret at the office for longer than a day or two, and we seriously doubt our government can do even that well. Somebody eventually blabs, records, or videotapes everything these days. Then they write a book and go on Larry King while great novelists starve.
7. Oh no, Mr. Stone-not Roswell again. I know you’ve been assigned there, and I know the so-called “science” channels still run that stuff constantly; it’s cheap to produce old-footage shows like that. And you conspiracy guys are generally over-caffeinated and still up at three in the morning watching wide-eyed and seriously considering buying the Bomber Jackets that they advertise in between shows. But you won’t look nearly as good as the guy in the commercial because he’s young and has great hair and you-well let’s just say you resemble the rest of us. But sixty-two-year-old Roswell lore is starting to wear thin on most of us, even if some of us enjoy Stargate and X-files.
6. Your so-called Snowbird document is actually rather comical, replete with horrible grammar, bad spelling and general incoherency. The Air Force quickly termed it a hoax but it is customary-and in fact required-that a suspected hoaxed government document be treated secretly until its status is definitely determined.
5. Two of your corroborating sources are apparently named Falcon and Condor. As soaring birds go, they are two nice ones. Vulture wouldn’t be as good; neither would Pigeon. Maxwell Smart would approve of your choices.
4. Yes, we know lots of people have reported being abducted by aliens. It all began with Betty and Barney Hill in 1961. For better or worse, the press picked up on the story and it has remained the model we use to depict the scrawny bald aliens and their behavior during the abductions. Not to be indelicate here, but some of us might lend more credence to these tales if they didn’t almost always de-evolve into the territory of the psycho-sexual with the long flexible tubes being inserted-well you know where. It would be depressing beyond words to think that advanced aliens would travel across the vast expanses of space just to give us proctologic exams. I would like to think we deserve better than that, but am not always sure.
3. Oh-oh. You say some of the aliens are stealing our souls. Gives them some sort of energy or something. Creepy, but J. K. Rowling with her Deatheaters in the Harry Potter books already used that idea.
2. But wait this is even worse: you say they have underground installations where they keep “vats” with human parts in them. I’ve always wondered how a vat differs from a barrel. I’d ask you which body parts are in the vats but decided I don’t really want to know.
Numero Uno. Okay Mr. Stone, let’s give you the last word on the aliens, or at least the ones you refer to as the Greys. “Well, my suggestion would be to stand up to the GREYS. Let them know that this is a free society, that we are not going to sit back and let anyone-be they from outer space or some other foreign country-convert the people of the United States.”
Okey-dokey. Good night and good luck. Signing off now.
